New MCU Novella: Chapter Four (PG-13)

Summary:

After Thanos defeats the Avengers, Tony Stark’s spirit is broken. He falls.

But then he finds a reason to rise again — and become the man his family needs.

--*--

Or: Snapshots of Tony’s life in the first year after the Snap.

(In case you missed them: Chapter One // ChapterTwo // Chapter Three)

(All introductory notes, meanwhile, can be found in Chapter One.)

--*--

Chapter Four

Despite Pepper’s most fervent hopes, moving was not a panacea.

To an outside observer, Tony was his usual self. During the day, he pored over his various blueprints, bantered with FRIDAY and his bots, and peppered his work conversations with the gallows humor that was his trademark. By all appearances, he was truly engaged in the challenge of aiding the sundered world the only way he knew how: through the force of his own inventive genius.

To put it simply, Tony was an accomplished liar.

But all was not well — and the tells were there for anyone - like Pepper - who knew where to look. For one thing, Tony’s hands trembled constantly, a fact he tried - but often failed - to hide by folding his arms or crossing them behind his back. For another thing, his smiles rarely reached his shadowed, sunken eyes.

And then — then there were the tortures of the early morning hours.

Tony had had nightmares ever since his rescue — ever since New York, in fact. But as the summer wore on, those nightmares became more frequent and more intense. Many nights, Tony would literally scream himself awake, his pajamas soaking wet, his fear quaking the bed frame. Many nights, it took half an hour - or more - for Pepper to calm him down.

Weeks of this passed — weeks of the same grueling routine. So by the time the dog days of August rolled around, Pepper thought she’d already weathered the worst Tony’s unprocessed trauma could throw at her. 

Unfortunately, she was wrong.

--*--

“No!”

The shout roused Pepper from a sound slumber, and she sat up, her pulse pounding in her neck. Next to her, Tony was coiled tight around his pillow, his muscles taut, the perspiration on his brow glinting in the moonlight.

“Tony?” Pepper reached out a tentative hand and lightly shook his shoulder, already girding herself for what might happen next.

Boom! Like a shot, Tony flew out of the bed, scattering his pillows in his haste to escape. Then, tripped up by the sheet that was twisted around his legs, he fell to the floor in a tangle of limbs. Pepper immediately pushed back her blanket and rushed to his side.

“Tony, it’s okay,” she said, beginning the now familiar litany. She clasped Tony’s slick, trembling hand, trying to ground him. “You’re home in our bedroom. You’re safe.” But no recognition dawned in Tony’s glassy eyes. Struggling for air, he scrambled away from Pepper’s touch, his hand flailing backwards to pull open the top drawer of his nightstand. 

A thrill of fear coursed through Pepper as Tony seized hold of his RT and clicked it to his chest.

“Tony —”

With a double tap, Tony activated his armor. Pepper watched, transfixed by her terror, as the nanoparticles bled out of the RT and concealed her fiancé behind a barrier of red and gold.

Watched as Tony raised his arm. 

Watched as the repulsor in his right palm went live.

“Tony, please,” Pepper implored. “Please listen, sweetheart. Whatever it is you think you’re seeing - wherever it is you think you are - it’s not real. You were dreaming, okay? It’s not real.”

A silence descended, stretching to infinity, broken only by the power that continued to hum through Tony’s reactor. Pepper held her breath and prayed.

Finally - slowly - Tony lowered his arm, and his helmet retracted. “Pep?” he whimpered, tears glittering on his eyelashes, his hair in disarray.

“Oh, thank God! Thank God!” Not bothering to wait for the rest of the armor to recede, Pepper launched herself at Tony and held him tight, rocking him as she sobbed. 

--*--

“I think — I think you need help, Tony. Real help. I don’t know if we can do this on our own.”

Tony lifted his head from his arms and tried not to groan as the sunlight streaming through the window threatened to melt his retinas. Had he slept at the kitchen table all night? Between the painful crick in his spine and the dents he felt as he rubbed at his face, all signs pointed to yes.

Before him, Pepper held the two bottles Tony had emptied the evening before, her expression distressed. Instantly ashamed, Tony stumbled to his feet, then swayed as he was hit by a wave of vertigo. Pepper caught him before he lost his balance.

“How much have you been drinking?” she asked.

Tony breathed through his nose for a few moments until he was sure he could open his mouth without losing his stomach. “Not much.”

“Tony.” Tony flinched at the note of warning in Pepper’s voice.

“Most nights, just a shot or two to put this” — Tony weakly gestured at his temple — “on mute. I promise, I don’t usually — I just — I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the other night.” Then the bottom dropped out. “Sorry. Hold that thought.”

Careening into the downstairs bathroom, Tony dropped to his knees and retched, bringing up bile and not much else. Then he slapped the flusher and, panting, rested his cheek on the toilet seat.

“You’re disappointed.”

In the doorway, Pepper sighed. “Yeah, I am.” Turning on the sink, she moistened a washcloth and filled a marble-blue glass. “Here. Sit up and rinse.” She handed the glass to Tony, draped the washcloth over his neck, and sat cross-legged on the floor beside him. Tony took a sip, swishing the water in his mouth and spitting it into the bowl. 

“After Steve left — after I came back, you didn’t drink for more than a year.” Pepper brushed a stray curl off Tony’s forehead. “You were doing so well.”

Tony closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“How long?”

“Since Queens.”

“Oh, Tony. You should’ve told me.”

Tony’s breath stuttered as Pepper continued to run her fingers through his hair. He felt like utter dogshit — and not just because of the hangover. Here he was, a total failure of a human being in the midst of epically blowing a valiant, months-long attempt at true sobriety — yet he was leeching off Pepper’s affection as if he’d actually earned it.

“You need to talk to someone,” Pepper said. “And not Bruce. Someone professional. I think we still have Nick’s list.”

Tony shook his head. “Tried it. Didn’t help.”

“One session.”

“She didn’t like me. Believe me, I could tell.”

“Hm. Maybe she was a bad match. But that doesn’t mean every doctor will be.”

Tony folded in on himself, resting his forehead on his knees. Who in their right mind would want to listen to some rich S.O.B. bitch about his problems? Besides, Starks weren’t supposed to share that shit with strangers. No: they were supposed to buck the fuck up and handle it like men

Pepper patted his leg. “Please think about it, Tony. With what’s happened — a lot of people are seeking therapy. I’m sure no one we know would think any less of you if you did the same.”

Heartache gnawed at the center of Tony’s chest. If only that were true.

--*--

Two lines.

Pepper sank onto the rim of the bathtub and massaged her forehead. This was the third pregnancy test she’d taken — and the third positive result.

Three months and a thousand years ago, she and Tony had talked about starting a family, Tony babbling about his dreams with the sort of adorable excitement he usually reserved for the marvels he created. Then again, the entire conversation was a moment of discovery — if a discovery of a different sort.

If it were any other time - any other world - Pepper would be happy. But could they really raise a child in this time and this place? Could they raise a child in a world marked by toilet paper hoarding and governmental chaos? Could they raise a child in a world marked by empty grocery shelves and periodic blackouts? What would it mean to raise a child in a world where police were permanently posted on the Brooklyn Bridge to prevent the inconsolable from jumping to their deaths?

And what about Tony?

Pepper knew Tony was still drinking — even if he was being somewhat more careful. She could smell it on him most nights when he crawled into bed — usually several hours after Pepper herself had gone to sleep. 

Even more importantly, Tony just looked ill. He was eating — but sparingly. He was sleeping — but irregularly. And cleaning up for meetings, charity dinners, and press conferences was taking more and more effort — and more and more concealer. 

Was Tony truly ready to be a father?

Clearly, it was time to track him down. 

“FRIDAY?” Pepper called. “Can you tell me where Tony is?”

“Boss is in the garage.”

“Is he — okay?”

The AI seemed to hesitate. “I have recorded signs of emotional distress, but Boss is not intoxicated or in physical danger.”

Taking a deep breath, Pepper pulled herself to her feet, pitched the pregnancy test in the trash, and washed her hands. She was going to drive herself crazy if she didn’t confront this now.

Pepper knew the lock code for the detached garage, but she signaled anyway. Whatever Tony was doing, she didn’t want to startle him. A few minutes passed before the door opened with two tones and a hiss.

“Tony?”   

“Tony — there was no other way.”

Pepper paused at the threshold, taken aback. Instead of the garage’s interior, what met her eyes was a blasted ruin bathed in orange stormlight. At its center stood Tony — bruised and bleeding, his old running suit filthy and rumpled, his RT shining over his heart. 

Tony was facing the man from the park. Dr. Strange. The man who’d brought Bruce through a sparkling portal and interrupted what was a pleasant afternoon. The man who’d summoned Tony for the fight he almost didn’t survive. 

“Damn it, Gandalf!” 

An errant tear left a white track on Tony’s grimy face as he raged.

“You shouldn’t have let the bastard have it! You should’ve just let me die!”

Strange watched Tony sadly for a moment, clearly burdened by something only he understood — and then he gradually crumbled away in a cloud of coffee-colored dust.   

“Mr. Stark.”

Pepper watched Tony turn — watched a new horror dawn in his eyes as Peter Parker staggered through the rubble, reaching out for him. 

“I don’t feel so good.” 

“You’re all right.” 

“I don’t know what’s happening.” 

Peter threw himself at Tony and clung to him with all his might.

“I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don’t wanna go.” 

Still weeping, Peter fell, dragging Tony down into the dirt along with him.

“I’m sorry.”

As he uttered those words, Peter looked up at Tony, his eyes clouded with pain as his body began to dissolve and fade.

“It’s not your fault, kid. Like I said, this one’s on me.”

At that moment, the scene froze, shimmered — and rolled up towards the ceiling in an electric-blue wave. The sudden quiet was total — almost funereal.

“Tony?”

Tony - the present-day Tony, that is - sat slouched in the driver’s seat of his Jaguar holding the blinking B.A.R.F. apparatus in his hands. Pepper opened the passenger side door and climbed in with him.

“What I just saw. Was that —?”

“Mostly. Never got to tell that wizard he was a moron for saving me. Never got to tell Peter —” Tony trailed off and pinched the bridge of his nose, wincing.

“So that’s what you’ve been doing for the past few hours? Giving yourself a migraine trying to fix your own memories?”  

“That’s an unfortunate side effect, yes. Wasn’t my main goal.”

Pepper hugged Tony — cupped his face. “Well, why don’t we stop shooting lightning into your brain and just talk?”

“That’s not really how B.A.R.F. works. It sends a series of EM pulses —”

“I know,” Pepper replied, forestalling the full technical explanation. “I know it’s theoretically safe. But I hate seeing you in pain. Especially when there’s a better option.”

Tony opened his mouth. Closed it. Hung his head.

They sat together for a while, saying nothing. Finally: “Tony?”

“Hm?”

“I’m pregnant.” Best to keep it simple.

The complexity in Tony’s reaction reflected Pepper’s own emotional state. “Are you sure?”

“I haven’t seen the doctor yet, but yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“Shit.” Tony’s breathing became more labored as he fumbled for the door handle. “Shit.” Tumbling out of the Jag, he leaned against the hood, tugging his collar away from his throat. 

Pepper rounded the car, grabbing Tony’s shoulder to keep him steady. This — was the absolute last thing she wanted. “Hey. Stay with me,” she said. “You were hoping for this, right? We’ll figure it out.”

Tony shuddered. “Yes. Oh God, yes. But I —” A stifled sob. “I can’t — not like — what kind of father —?” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Fuck!”

“Tony, just breathe. We’re gonna be okay.” Pepper wasn’t sure that was true, but she needed to do something to stop the panic before it pulled Tony down completely.

Tony, however, apparently picked up on the note of doubt in Pepper’s voice. “You don’t know that,” he ground out. “What if I can’t —?” He swiped his forearm across his face, pushed himself away, and lurched outside at half a run. “I need — I have to —”

Dead leaves crunched under Pepper’s feet as she followed him. “Tony!”

But before Pepper could stop him, Tony slapped on his armor and jetted off in a blaze of light.   

--*--

Bzzz-bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-bzzz-bzzz. Bzzz-bzzz-bzzz.

Still foggy from a fading dream, Bruce blindly grabbed the Starkphone that was currently threatening to vibrate off his bedside table and peered blearily at the display. 

The identity of the caller woke him up in a flash.

“Tony?” Bruce put on his glasses and shoved his bare feet into his slippers. “Everything all right? It’s almost 2:30 AM here.” And that was worrying in itself. Tony wouldn’t have forgotten that if he were in a good frame of mind.

Nor would he have failed to activate his videophone.

For a long moment, all Bruce could hear was Tony’s harsh breathing. 

“Tony?”

“I — ’m fucked up.”

Something was seriously wrong. Tony had never sounded so defeated. 

“What happened? Where are you?”

“Don’ know. Near Pittsburgh, I think. Shut off FRIDAY.”

“Damn.” Why would you do that, Tony? What were you thinking? Bruce massaged his forehead, willing himself to remain composed. “Okay, can you turn her back on, please?”

The wait was agonizing.

“Tony?”

“Done. Sorry. Can’t think.”

Bruce started to pace the length of his small guest room. 

“FRIDAY? What’s Tony’s location and status?”

“Boss is currently located seven miles outside Ligonier, Pennsylvania, in Linn Run State Park. Vitals are stable at present, but I have engaged the armor’s intoxication safeguards.”

So Tony’s BAC was above the legal limit  — and, based on his confusion, likely higher still.

“Tony — does Pepper know where you are? Have you called anyone else?” 

“No.”

“They’re probably going crazy trying to find you.”

“Why?” Tony’s breathing became more choppy and irregular. Was he crying? It was difficult for Bruce to tell from half a world away. “‘M an asshole. Left ‘em behind.”

“Left who behind?”

“Pep. An’ my kid.” A tremulous laugh. “Maybe they’re better off w’out me.”

Bruce sighed and sat back down on his bed. So Pepper was expecting — probably. That explained Tony’s breakdown. Once, back in the days before Ultron, Tony had attempted to cheer Bruce up on a down day by opining on the drawbacks of shitty fathers. Though he didn’t really divulge much about the late Howard Stark at the time, it didn’t take a physicist to grasp that the relationship there had been a strained one. Was Tony questioning his own fitness as a future parent? If so, Bruce could empathize.

“Tony, you still with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Listen, okay? Whatever you’re afraid of, you have to let Pepper in. Tell her what you’re thinking. Don’t keep her in the dark. And for God’s sake, don’t do anything stupid ‘til someone gets there.”

“Too late.”

Tony was crying. Bruce was certain of it now. But there was absolutely nothing he could do. After all, not even Tony Stark himself had figured out how to give a man a hug over a satellite connection.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Bruce said, helpless. “I know you feel pretty lost, Tony. I get it. I think we all know what that’s like right now. But you’re a pretty tough guy. You’re gonna make it. You just — need to let yourself grieve. Stop trying to fight it and — and take any support you can get.”

“Boss?” FRIDAY broke in. “I’m receiving calls from Ms. Potts, Colonel Rhodes, Mr. Hogan, and the Avengers Compound. Shall I patch them through?”

Good. They love you, Tony. Whatever you do, don’t leave them hanging.  

--*--

With a gut-wrenching sense of déjà vu, Pepper watched two twinkling stars descend from the slate-grey sky and land — then rushed to meet them, taking the front steps two at a time. Though it had started to pour, she barely noticed the rain seeping through her shirt.  

At the lake’s edge, Tony leaned heavily against Rhodey’s War Machine armor, his eyes swollen, his face smeared with snot and dirt. Immediately, Pepper pulled him into her arms. “Don’t you dare do that to me again,” she scolded fiercely. “You understand?” Tears fell, mingling with Tony’s own. “Don’t. You. Dare.”

“Sorry,” Tony murmured. “Sorry.”

“Rhodey, can you help me get him into the house?”

Once Tony had been muscled into the shower fully clothed, Pepper sent Rhodey downstairs to put the coffee on and turned on the water, setting the temperature to cool. Tony jumped, blinking rapidly, the shock sobering him up a little.

“Sorry,” he said again. “‘M such an idiot.”

Pepper started to peel off his clothes, plopping them just outside the shower door. “Yeah, you are. But you’re my idiot. I made that decision a long time ago.”

“Sure you don’ wan’ another break?” Tony hunched over on the bench, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle, droplets beading in his hair.

“No, Tony. I don’t.” Pepper kissed the top of Tony’s head. “I won’t lie and say I’m not overwhelmed. The past few months — it’s been a lot to handle. But when I tried to live without you — I realized I couldn’t.” She grasped Tony’s chin, tilting his face up so their gazes could meet. “So that’s it. You’re stuck with me. No matter what.”

Tony’s shoulders started to shake. “I — I’ll never leave again. Promise.” He squeezed Pepper’s arms and mashed his face into her chest. “I — I’ll get help. I’ll get — I’ll get my mind right. Whatever you and the baby need — whatever it takes.”

Pepper rested her hands on the back of Tony’s neck. “Shh. I know. I know.”

And at heart, she really did.

--*--

The next day, Tony emptied his bar and - grimly, methodically - shattered each and every bottle against the garage door.

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